Category Archives: miscarriage

143 Acts – Part 3

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 143 Random Acts of Kindness is Continuing….Go here to read the why and Part 2

source

#8 – Donated money to friend riding bike ride to support MS research – Kelly

#9 – Donated bed

#10 – Gave coach paperwork from another team which would help him write up a handbook quicker

#11 – Donated money to my friend who is running a marathon to support cancer research. – Kelly

#12 – Gave $10 store credit coupon to woman in store

#13 – Donated clothes to Family Services Center

#14 – Left baby coupons in store directly by object

#15 – Donated clothes & house items – Jess

#16 – Paid for order behind me in Starbucks drive thru

#17 – Held door open for woman coming into donut shop

#18 – Gave money to family who has been without a job since October- Mom

#19 – Stopped for someone to cross road

#20 – Gave coupon to woman in store when I didn’t use it

#21 -Left magazines at the airport for another traveler

#22 – Gave coupon to woman in Gymboree

#23 – Stop and speak with check in desk at pool everyday

#24 -Stopped and spoke with a woman for 10 minutes who obviously wanted to talk. Normally would have said, “I need to go.”

#25 -Bought magazine subscription from a teen door to door salesman

#26 -Let mom go in front of me at grocery store when I was shopping alone

#27 -Gave encouraging words to store employee who was dealing with difficult customer

#28 -Stopped car so someone could cross

#29 -Left coupons near items at grocery store

#30 -Left comment on blog of a new blogger

#31 -Left coloring books in hospital waiting room

#32 -Left coupons in grocery store

#33 -Shared shade umbrella with someone at outdoor soccer practice

#34 – Served kids pizza and drinks at a friend’s party

#35 – Donated clothes and household supplies to Family Services Center

#36 -Gave woman in Old Navy a 30% entire purchase coupon

#37 -Donated blood

#38 – Donated Halloween costumes to the hospital

#39 -Gave woman coupon in Goodwill after someone gave it to me

#40 – Bought gifts for Salvation Army Angel #1 – 9 year old boy

#41 – Bought gifts for Salvation Army Angel #2 – 6 year old boy

#42 -Bought gifts for Salvation Army Angel #3 – 18 month old little boy

#43 – Sincerely complimented sales woman on outfit

 

100 Acts to Go!

143 Acts

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I am closing in on what was my due date.

This pregnancy started with surprise, which led to excitement, which led to fear, which ended in grief. So now only sad memories are associated with this pregnancy and I would like to change that. Even though I cannot change the ending I can twist the ending into one associated with positive memories.

According to my doctor I was 20 weeks 3 days pregnant when I had my miscarriage. This equals 143 days.

I have decided I would like to complete 143 random acts of kindness which will correlate with the number of days I was pregnant.

I am calling it 143 Acts.

143 Acts

Some of what I have struggled with is – That’s it. He’s gone. The end. No one will remember him. Why did this happen? What did I do wrong? What’s the reason our family went through all of this?

Everyday, heartbreaking events “just happen.” There is no rhyme or reason, they just happen. They are not punishments, they are not tests, they just happen.

I may never know why we went through this but I know I can change my thoughts about it. Hopefully, each of his 143 days will mean something by 143 people getting a smile or a good feeling in their heart.

I will be keeping a list of the 143 acts. If you decide to carry out a random act of kindness, let me know and I will include you on the list. Periodically I will give you updates on my progress.

I have written up some ideas for random acts of kindness.

Hopefully this will help bring me some closure to the past 9 months while at the same time bringing a smile to others.

The Secret

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I have found the secret to weight loss.

People will be amazed with my results and will be amazed that they too can get the same results.

I lost 8 pounds this week!

First off, let me explain that I have stuck to healthy eating. Every once in awhile I might get off track but for the most part I have insured that calories in equals less than calories out. Eating bread only once a day has certainly been a catalyst for my weight loss.

In addition to the healthy eating, I have exercised 5 days a week. Sometimes each work out is only 30 minutes but it’s still something.

So there you have it. Healthy eating and exercise to lose 8 pounds in a week.

Well, I guess I should tell you one more thing that might be a tad pertinent…

….I switched scales.

But I’m sure that has nothing to do with it. I KNOW I lost 8 pounds…I’m just not ever going back to the old scale again to check.

**************************************************************************

Alright, I should tell you I did go back to the original scale. Although I really wanted to believe the second scale at the new gym, I knew it wasn’t right.  Here’s my weight loss progress: week one (-1.9 lbs.), week two (+0.4 lbs.), week three (-2.2), week four (-1.8)   = total weight loss so far 5.5 lbs.

Words

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Words are powerful.

They can be arranged in so many ways. The arrangement can be helpful or hurtful.

When I told people I was pregnant with my fourth child I received many responses. I wrote down several which left a negative impression on me.

*Congratulations, I guess

*Wow, every time I see you, you are pregnant

*You do know how this keeps happening, right?

*Wow, you and your husband need to buy a tv

This baby was very much planned for, he just happened to have been conceived several months earlier than intended. But still, he was most definitely wanted. The responses shocked me but I saved them with a purpose in mind. My plan was to print them next to a picture of our new baby and say how callous people could be about such an amazing event.

Well, that wasn’t to be. But I still remember the words.

Yesterday, someone’s words stung me unintentionally.

I had my yearly appointment with my gynecologist/obgyn. As I sat naked on the examining table with only two paper cloths covering me, I found it unbelievable I could hear the heartbeat check of someone else’s baby in the next room. As clear as a muffled beat can be, I could hear it.

My doctor came in and said, “Hello…How’s the baby?”

?

?

?

I finally managed to spit out, “You mean the two year old?”

“Sure, two is still a baby.”

Then she actually opened my file. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I forgot.”

I’ve seen this woman roughly four times in the past 9 weeks. I should look somewhat familiar. At the very least, she should have opened my file before coming in.

“How’s the baby?” 3 simple yet powerful words. Words that still make my heart hurt.

6 Weeks

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It has been 6 weeks since my miscarriage and I’m angry.

Just plain angry.

I don’t know what stage of grief that falls under. In fact, I purposely have not looked at the stages of grief. I don’t want to think I’m on stage three when a bad day makes me realize I’m really still at a one. I know I will teeter back and forth between the stages, whatever they may be, but I don’t want to know about them officially just yet.

Here are the stages I have gone through:

Stage 1: Sadness. To the core.

Stage 2: A Need to Hide: I could not see or talk to anyone the first two weeks. I knew I would break down and it was not something I was comfortable doing in front of so many.

Stage 2: Retail therapy: I told Derek I didn’t want to hear anything about our Discover bill this month. Just pay it and we’ll worry about the next bill in due time. I’m sure he’d say THE LOFT, Target, Macy’s, and Dillard’s have benefited immensely from my grief.

Stage 3: Annoyance: Annoyed that Derek gets to carry on with life as usual and I am stuck waiting. Waiting to exercise, waiting to have a direction again, waiting to feel normal.

Stage 4: Jealousy: Looking at pregnant woman wishing it were me. This one always makes me feel like such a jerk since I’ve already been blessed three times.

Stage 5: Anger: I’m angry I had to quit my part time job I loved. I’m angry I can only exercise 2 times a week right now because of some complications. I’m angry I got my period. I’m angry I can’t fit into my summer clothes because it’s 85 degrees. I’m angry the daycare can’t seem to clean my daughter’s nose once during the day. Just name it and I can give you my side of it and how to be angry about it.

Stage 6, 7, 8, 9, 10… I don’t know what phase I will go through next but I do feel confident I am moving in the right direction. Writing has truly been cathartic for me. It lets me share at my own pace.

I will be fine. Better than fine. Just not sure when.

I Can Handle It

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Since I haven’t cut or colored my hair in the last 3 months I decided to remedy the situation. I was beginning to look like a homeless hag so no one complained when I made the appointment and took a few hours for myself.

While browsing through the latest issue of Glamour, another client came in pushing a baby stroller. From all the “ooohing and ahhing” in the salon I gathered there was a newborn in that deluxe baby limo.

Alright one baby. I can handle that.

My colorist came in and began talking as if I was paying her by the word. This blonde crazy must have just consumed 64oz of caffeine before seeing me. Despite just meeting her, she instantly starts in with, “We’ve been trying to have a baby. I’m already in my 30’s. My brother has 3 kids. Our in-laws have been asking about grand kids.”

This  continues for probably 5 minutes despite the fact I haven’t uttered one word yet besides hello. “I’m sure it’s obvious because I’m so enormous but I’m pregnant!!!” Giggly shrieky laughter continues for about 30 seconds. That is so exciting, congratulations I say.

Alright two babies. I can handle that.

I sit and listen while I hear about the stroller purchase, the crib purchase, the clothing purchases, the room color, coordinating accessories in the room, and the baby’s name.

Another colorist comes in and starts working on the mom of the newborn. They begin catching up and all of a sudden there’s a “No, you are not!” “Yes, I am.” “No, you are not!”

Turns out the colorist is 42 and has a 12 week old. This was apparently a 2nd honeymoon baby which was not planned. After the birth she got her tubes clamped.

Alright three babies. I can handle that. End of story.

Normally, but not in my world.

Turns out the mom of the 12 week old is also 6 weeks pregnant. Yes, the same one whose tubes were clamped.

You know the minuscule percentage that’s always associated with procedures and how they can go wrong? Well, she’s spokesman for that group.

My first thought was, “Wow, that’s amazing.”

My second thought was, “Wow, you actually had sex 6 weeks after your delivery.”

Alright four babies. I can handle it but if you don’t hurry the f*** up with my hair I will freak out on all of you.

Sitting in the chair with a head full of foil, I begin pondering what the odds are of me being in this room at this time. It’s probably the same as getting pregnant while having your tubes clamped. I was half expecting octomom to walk in for highlights at any moment.

My colorist focuses back to me and says, “Do you have kids?” “Yes, 3.“ She starts asking me tons of questions about being a new mom. I happily answer and give her some helpful hints I have learned along the way.

Not once did I think to mention my recent miscarriage. OK, I did but I knew I would not say anything. There’s no need to rain on her parade. She’s so excited to be pregnant and become a new mom. It would be cruel to share anything with her that would cause her to worry during her last 14 weeks.

Towards the end of our conversation the question I had been anticipating while also dreading came. I calmly and simply answered her.

“So, do you think you will have more kids?”

“Maybe.”

The next time I need a haircut I may just hand Caroline a pair of scissors and say go to it.

After this experience, I know I can handle that.

A New Focus?

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Maybe what I need right now is a new focus – something to direct my energy toward until I get the a-okay from the doctor to be out and about again. After browsing tons of TV shows and way too many internet sites, I think I might have found a new focus.

Let me clue you in.

Caroline received a princess sash from her aunt for her birthday. While she doesn’t know quite to do with it, I sure do.

I hope Tom Hanks inspires you as much as he’s inspired me.

Look out world, here comes Caroline Grace, the pageant contestant!

The Grocery Game

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Last night I drove to the grocery store to get several important items for our family: milk, ice cream cones, peanut M&M’s, chapstick, allergy medicine, People magazine, and InStyle magazine. (You just wouldn’t believe how Andrew has been hounding me to get the latest InStyle issue.)

I imagined other people playing the grocery game as I passed them. The grocery game for me is making up stories about people based off of what’s in their cart.

When you see a guy with 10 cans of Spaghetti-o’s, a pack of beer, and a bag of donuts in his cart, certain assumptions can be made.

1. He’s not going home to anyone else.

2. He’s about to watch some sort of sporting event on TV.

3. Flannel shirts are probably a regular part of his wardrobe.

I wonder what assumptions flannel man would have made about my cart.

Slowly

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I’m slowly making it day by day.

I didn’t cry yesterday and I haven’t cried yet today.

I know it’s okay if I do and okay if I don’t.

There are a couple of things helping me get through this experience besides my husband, my family, and my friends. I could never find the right words to express what they have meant to me so I’ll talk about the other things for now.

Peanut M & M’s – seriously!

I am now on my 3rd bag of peanut M&M’s and I’m fine with it. I sit with a huge glass of milk and my bowl of chocolate goodness. I’m drinking skim milk with the M&M’s so it’s practically a healthy snack – thank goodness since I just happen to partake in this roughly 4 times a day.

The Gilmore Girls

I’m not sure where I was during the 7 years this show was on. I had never seen an episode before a friend gave me all 7 seasons 2 weeks ago. I’m currently midway through season 2 and loving it. I’m not sure if it’s the witty dialogue of the main characters or just a way to escape for 40 minutes that has me hooked.

Driving

I have made small trips out of the house whether it be to the grocery store or to return movies. I’m really not ready to drive anywhere where I might see friends yet. I think I could still break out in tears when they ask, ”How are you doing?” So… I’m avoiding that for now. It’s been good to get out of the house though and my car has helped me make the first initial steps of getting back in touch with the world.

Well, I guess it’s time to to grab some M&M’s and go find out what’s happening in Stars Hollow this week.

No need to get back in touch with the world all in one day.

Protocol?

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Today in the mail I received a letter from the hospital.

While I have many ideas on how a situation like mine could be handled better in my doctor’s office, I’ll save that for another time. (I know, I know, another upbeat post from me).

Here’s the letter:

Thank you for choosing The Medical Center of Plano. We hope you were very satisfied and are having a smooth recovery. If there is anything we can help you with during this time, please call us.

In addition to the above statement, there were 3 handwritten messages.  I truly appreciate the nurses’ notes which were added by 2 of the 3 nurses who helped me. Apparently protocol states you must have 3 signatures per card since I had an additional note from someone named Darlene. A nurse? A patient? A janitor? Who knows.

I understand the thought behind the card but maybe they should think about investing in a couple of different cards, each with their own message. Can you really walk away from this experience “very satisfied?”