My Giggle Tribesmen

Even though I’m having a tough time right now, I know I am extremely lucky to have the family I do. I cherish everyone of them and the times we have. I’m also extremely fortunate to have kids who make me laugh.

During my day of teetering on Sunday I sat and watched some tv while Caroline was napping. The boys were in their room jumping around and making tons of noise. After about 15 minutes of what I can only assume was them jumping off their beds I decided to go up and tell them to stop.

I opened their door and started laughing immediately. Both boys were wearing shorts but no shirts. They had giant medals around their necks and were holding humongous chess trophies in their arms. I just laughed which caused them to giggle and giggle.

Alex said, “What? We’re Zulus and we’re hunting.”

Of course you are.

I’m so glad for those giggles.

Almost

I almost made it all day Saturday without crying.

Sunday I didn’t even come close. I was crying before 8 am.

Since coming home from the hospital on Wednesday night I had not left the house. I’m trying to follow the doctor’s orders of keeping it easy for 2 weeks and not lifting anything heavy (Caroline).

Well we decided to go out to dinner on the last night my parents were here. Babe’s Chicken House. Seems harmless enough. Except for the 40 minute wait. Tons of people, kids, and babies. I knew it would be tough to go out but I was completely overwhelmed with it all. Many times I almost grabbed the car keys from Derek so I could run back to the car and stay there. I kept tearing up when I would hear someone call a name we had considered or when a pregnant woman would go by. I kept thinking to myself, “Shoes. shoes. shoes. Think about shoes. Do not cry right here in the middle of Babe’s Chicken House for all of Frisco to see.” I managed to succeed and get into the restaurant for dinner. Dinner was great and I didn’t have any problems getting through it.

I think my emotional state had been building all day and it finally burst when I was toweling off from taking a shower that night.

It’s hard enough going through this process without all the “extras.”

Even though I have gone through the same motions for the past 3 days I was completely overwhelmed that night when I had to put an ace bandage around my chest again. I have to wrap my chest, use pads for a few weeks, and have hot flashes. All things you just deal with when having a baby. All good except for that I am missing one part of that equation.

I had a good cry and went to bed.

Sunday morning my parents were leaving. Just a hug from my mom and dad sent me over the edge again. I pretty much teetered between crying and dealing with life the rest of the day.

I know this will take time and it will get better but it sure is difficult right now.

4 days

A lot has happened in the past 4 days for us and a lot has happened because of “4 days.”

4 days ago we found out we wouldn’t be parents again.

4 days ago we were so deeply saddened by that news.

4 days ago we had to tell our children about babies dying before having a chance to meet them.

According to doctors I was 20 weeks and 3 days pregnant. If I was 19 weeks 6 days pregnant I would have had a different experience.

4 days difference = much more difficult process for us

Because of those 4 days, I had to go through labor and deliver a baby only this time he never opened his eyes.

Because of those 4 days, we had to visit a funeral home and make cremation plans for our little one.

Because of those 4 days, we have to pick up his remains in a week.

I keep waiting for this to end but the law has a different idea.

News

Hi Friends and Family-
I wanted to let you all know that today I went for a doctor’s appointment and there was no heartbeat. We are dealing the best we can with this disappointing news. My parents will be here by tomorrow night to help us out and then Derek’s sister will be here after that. Derek and I would like to thank all of you for your thoughts and prayers, meals, kind messages, and offers to help. We have truly appreciated your thoughtfulness during this tough time. We are going to have a little family time for the next few days and then will reach out.
Thank you friends,
Jennifer and Derek

Ain’t No Mountain High Enough

So yesterday I learned several things:

1) My doctor’s nurse has to work on her small talk. After waiting for 30 minutes in the waiting room she brought us into the sonogram room. She began typing on the computer while I began shaking and breathing hard.

“So how’s the weather outside?”

Derek and I looked at her and thought, “Really, that ‘s the best you can come up with?

Uh, it’s nice. Cool.

“Oh good. I’ve hated this weather lately. So depressing all this cold weather.”

Hmm…actually we’re under brush fire alerts since it’s so hot and from where we are sitting we have a different definition of depressing.

2) My doctor is a huge music fan. While sitting in the waiting room I heard the secretary bickering about seat availability, row c, and only 12 left. Apparently she was desperately trying to get one of the remaining 12 Diana Ross tickets for her concert in Dallas tonight. When our doctor came in she said she just had to have one of those tickets – it was a once in a lifetime experience and she had to be there. She was quite annoyed since the newspaper listed tickets from $60 – $120 but they were actually $360 for row C.

3) I’m urging my children to go into the medical field. Apparently $360 is really only a drop in the bucket for a once in a lifetime experience. Last year my doctor spent $2500 to see Prince in concert. With the amount of times I’m going to see her she will be able to tour with Prince.

4) There is no real change with the baby. We are still day by day and will be for however long this pregnancy lasts. But…we are still climbing a mountain and going to give it our best fight.

In tribute to my doctor and my theme song for the day let’s hear a little Diana

Worries

So I’m on Day 4 of bed rest.

In just that short amount of time I’m pretty sure of a few things: I could compete on Iron Chef, I could be a bridal consultant on “Say Yes to the Dress,” and I could be a home designer. I feel in my 100 hours of tv watching I am now an expert in a lot of areas. Really no schooling is involved for a lot of these professions – just take a little bed rest in and you will have a new degree in no time.

I’m trying to relax, think positively, and pass the time as quickly as I know how (mostly in 30 min or 1 hour segments). I have also finished 2 books so my mind doesn’t go to complete mush.

Even with all of that I find thoughts of worry and anxiety creeping up.

I had worried about being pregnant in the middle of the summer. Now I worry I won’t be pregnant tomorrow.

I worried about my kids reaction to having another baby. Now I worry about my kids reaction if this doesn’t turn out as hoped.

I worried about having my youngest two so close. Now I worry about them never meeting.

But for right now, I’m going to try and push through the day and focus on what comforts me -my kids went off to school with smiles on their faces, my husband has been there for me every step of the way, and my friends have sent encouragement and prayers.

We will get through today together, worries and all.

Right Now

The blog content here could be a bit of a departure for a bit. While we are going through this life is still marching on in our house. I’ll have smiles and laughs to share in the coming days but maybe some uncertainty as well.

Hi Friends and Family,
I wanted to write and ask you to send us some positive thoughts and prayers.
I thought communicating this way with so many people might be easier than being on the phone.
Many of you know I am pregnant, some not.
I went for a sonogram on Friday to check on the baby.
While we were expecting good news, we did not get it.
The baby is measuring small for 19 weeks, apparently he is not getting enough nutrients.
I have been put on bed rest at home for the time being.
I have a doctor’s appointment Tuesday which will give us more information.
We have everything covered for the time being but we will reach out for help when we need it.
Jennifer & Derek