Dear Costco

Dear Mr. Costco,

My family loves visiting your store and sampling all those goodies your A1 hairnet troops are providing.

In fact, my husband loves it so much he needs a stern talking to before his trips there with our children.

We don’t need a six month supply of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Or the 7,000 Oreos (yes, it’s because I have no will power).

And for the love of God, just walk away from the 285 links of sausage.

The kids love the store too.

I’ve never seen people so excited to have free food – I’m talking hitting all nine food booths in record time while, of course, bypassing booth ten, the new fruit and veggie juice.

Yes, everyone loves your store sir.

But can I tell you want I don’t like about your store? Actually, I’m about to speak for all mothers out there. Yes, all mothers hate this Costco, so listen up!

Nothing gets on my/our nerves more than when I’m trying to leave your store and I must wait an eternity for your employee to draw a smiley face onto the back of my receipt.

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I mean really. Why? Why? Why?

Why must every exiting door employee take the time to do this when it’s probably obvious that we just really need to leave the store.

Is it in the training program?

Lesson 1 – MUST. STOP. EVERY. HAGGARD. LOOKING. MOTHER. AND. DETAIN. HER. FURTHER….

Lesson 2 -IF HER.KIDS. LOOK. LIKE. THEY. ARE. LOSING. THEIR. MIND. ENGAGE THEM IN CONVERSATION.

Is there a bonus involved with the number of smiley faces given out.

Just let me leave!!!!!

And really, it’s just not me. Guess who also doesn’t care about the smiley face and just wants to get home and rip open the bag with 5000 popcorn pieces?

My children.

After Picasso has finished drawing his neon smiley he slows the exiting process down even further by insisting to show one of the kids. When kid #1 has shown no excitement over the preschool drawing they move to kid #2 who’s response is just as lack lustered as the first.

So Mr. Costco, please change your policy. It should read, “As an employee it is your job to help the mothers out of the store as quickly as possible. If you don’t, there will inevitably be a meltdown and it’s anyone’s guess whether it will be the children or the mom who ends up crying. And if it’s the mom, you are on your own.”

Your loyal shopper,Jennifer

P.S. If you could have those toffee covered chocolates out for sampling next week I would really appreciate that.

A New Fangled Contraption

We’ve been taking our dog Sophie for a walk every morning now that swim practice is over for the summer. If we don’t take her in the morning, it’s not happening since the morning temps have been in the 80’s and you can only imagine how good the air feels in the afternoon.

So there we were the other day: My 11 year old on his bike, my 8 year old on his scooter, my 4 year old on her bike, and me running with the dog. OK, it was more like me being dragged by the dog in order to keep up.

We were on a long straight stretch when my son on the scooter asked if he could try and have Sophie pull him.

I handed him the leash and a ton of laughter ensued.

(We’ve recreated the scene in order to get pictures but at a much slower pace)

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They would get going quickly but after about 20 seconds they would be going so fast that the leash would have to be dropped.

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Then there was chasing after the dog and then starting the whole process again.

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So each morning now the boys get one straight away to have Sophie pull them and then we give her a break for the rest of the walk. It works out great except that my 4 year old is now begging to have Sophie pull her on her bike. No way is that ever happening!

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What My Boys are Cooking

Each summer the boys are in charge of one dinner a week.

The only condition in choosing food is that it can’t be something they have already cooked this summer.

The boys enjoy cooking and have been pretty good about ensuring that there is either a fruit or salad with the meal. They have made sure to steer clear of any veggies on the menu.

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Here’s what they have served:

Week 1:

 Alex: Grilled cheese sandwiches, tomato soup, grapes
Andrew: Beef tacos and cantaloupe
 
Week 2:
 
Alex: Chicken patties on bun, fries, and strawberries
Andrew: Cheese sticks as an appetizer 🙂 , 3 types of pizza (including mac n’cheese pizza), and blackberries & blueberries
 
Week 3:
 
Alex: Cheese raviolis with homemade red sauce, cheese bread, and salad
Andrew: Homemade calzones with salad
 
Week 4:
 
Alex: Spaghetti, homemade red sauce, homemade meatballs, and salad
Andrew: Hot dogs, chips, fruit, and yogurt
 

Maybe not all are the healthiest options but I want to make sure it’s their meal and not mine.

I’m hoping all of this cooking by them pays off so in a few years they will be doing all the summer cooking (insert evil cackle).

Your Public Service Announcement…A Mammogram

Women. Listen up!

I am giving a public service announcement because I care about your health.

Mammograms are okay.

Mammograms are not as bad as everyone says.

Mammograms are important.

A few weeks ago I had my annual mammogram. Actually this was only my second ever mammogram since I am 39.

I arrived at the office at 7:17 AM because my appointment was for 7:15. AM

After handing over my insurance card I was handed 3 sheets to fill out which made me ponder

…Wouldn’t it be great if men had the periods? Then they would have to write down the date of their last menstrual cycle 64 times on the same group of medical forms.

…Wouldn’t it be great if doctors and nurses actually read the paperwork you filled out?

…Wouldn’t it be great if Bradley Cooper was performing the breast exam?

But no, it was Melinda performing my mammogram.

After she verified my name and birth date, she handed me a gown and a packet to wash off my deodorant. Messes with the scans apparently.

Melinda then walked back into the room and instructed me to stand facing the xray machine. Apparently if the machine is not making an indentation on your arm, chin, and stomach, you are not close enough. “Closer please.”

After taking my right breast into her hand, she maneuvered me into position.

“This is going to squeeze,” are the famous words. And really, they are quite accurate. I have always heard how horribly painful a mammogram is but I don’t think that’s quite true.

If you’ve ever breast fed, you’ve got this.

Some one else manhandling your breasts?- Check.

Have someone play tug of war with your nipple? Check. Been there done that.

Once the machine has applied pressure to your breast, you have about 15 seconds of being in this position. Quickly switch and complete the left side. You are halfway done.

The xray machine is then moved so that pictures of different angles can be taken. Another 30 seconds and you are finished.

Really, that’s it.

1 minute of your time.

Two weeks later you will receive a letter in the mail giving you the results of your scan.

Mammogram. Easiest breastfeeding ever.

Mammogram. Important.

Mammogram. Just Do it.

A HOLY Mother F****er Service

Yesterday while we were at church an older man leaned over and whispered, “Your children are so well behaved.”

I smiled, thanked him, and gave myself a little encouraging mental tap on the shoulder.

Less than a minute later Caroline broke my toe.

I think.

I was standing while singing the hymn when I felt a huge pain surge through my foot.

It is only by the grace of God that I did not scream,” Holy Mother F***er.”

I looked down to see that she had pushed down the little kneeling step onto my big toe.

My open toed sandals did not cushion the blow.

I sternly but quietly said, “Stop that right now. That hurt, ” to which she turned her body away from me and started “singing” the hymn.

I’m pretty sure it went something like this:

What a fool my mother is…She can’t do anything to me in church…Everyone is watching us here so she will not put me in time out or give me a spanking….I love church.

Yes, I’m willing to bet that’s how her song went because 5 minutes later she decided to do it again.

But this time she finished off by standing on the bench as well.

This time I did make a noticeable sound.

While I glanced down at my toe it was red but not bleeding.

I hoisted her onto my hip and would not put her down for the last 10 minutes of the service which I’m pretty sure really lasted for 45 minutes.

After church I spoke to her again about how much that hurt and she seemed to get it.

Either way, I’m wearing tennis shoes to church next week.

Dress Like a Cow Day!

In keeping with yesterday’s free food post,

Chick-fil-A’s “Dress Like a Cow” day is today, July 12th!

Every customer who comes dressed as a cow from head to toe will receive a FREE MEAL.

If you are partially dressed like a cow you will receive a FREE ENTREE.

Here’s a look back at some of our looks:

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Wonder Moo

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Our Star Wars year…

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Our  Musical Year with Moo Hendrix, Black Eyed Cow, Sheryl Moo, Moodonna, and 6 yr old cow who refused to go with the theme

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Have a wonderful weekend!

Camp is here!

My 4 year old is flying the coop for a few days this week and she couldn’t be more excited.

School has been out for her for almost 2 months now and she is tired of me.

And well…I hope she has a good time.

When getting ready for her camp, which she is THRILLED about, she asked me a few questions:

“What bag am I going to put my sleeping bag in?

You don’t need a sleeping bag, I’m picking you up after lunch.

Sad face.

“What pajamas am I going to pack?

You don’t need pajamas, I’m picking you up after lunch.

Sad face.

“Do I change clothes there at night?”

You don’t need to change your clothes, I’m picking you up after lunch.

Sad face.

I have a pretty good feeling there will be a lot of crying when I pick her up after lunch today.

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Our Daily Schedule

I know it’s summer and it’s supposed to be a carefree anything goes time but I need to have some sort of timeline for the day.

Here’s a rough sketch of what our day usually looks like:

7:30 – 8:00 Wake up and eat

9:00 Swim practice

10:30 Snack

11:00 Play a board game as a group

12:00 Eat lunch

12:30 Play

1:00 – 2:00 Quiet time – reading, playing in room (Mommy’s time on computer)

2:00 – 5:00 Play, pool, movies, friends, tv, games, video games, errands

5:45 Dinner

I am totally open to this being flexible but at some point of the day MOMMA NEEDS HER QUIET TIME.

Before the kids are allowed to do anything tv, computer, or video game related they need to do their chores.

They already bring their dishes to the sink, bring their clothes to the hamper, as well as other tasks so the chores I’m talking about are extras.

Having a simple chart has made completing chores no big deal. And let’s face it, there’s only two chores per day per person.

Is it a fancy chart that involves stickers, puffy paint, and ribbon?

H*LL no!

It’s written on paper each week by me and it works just fine.

Take a look at last week’s chart:

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The big exciting change on the chart this week is that there are no chores scheduled for Saturday. We are usually exhausted from day long swim meets so I figured what’s the point.

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Don’t worry, I’m not finished filling this weeks out yet. But I think you get the idea.

Do you have anything that’s making your summer a little easier?

Beach Bum

Our family is driving home today after spending a week at the beach.

It’s our annual family gathering and we had tons of fun (at least that’s what I am anticipating).

I’m so glad I cleaned the entire house, cleaned the bathrooms and kitchen, cleaned the bathrooms, made my bed before we left.

Once we get home, I’m planning on popping those frozen pizzas into the oven, throwing some laundry into the machine, and plopping myself on the couch.

After all, no need to rush into any cleaning too soon since it’s practically all done.