Reese’s peanut butter eggs are like crack cocaine for me.
I. Just. Can’t. Get. Enough.
I . Must. Have. A. Hit. Right. Now.
Go. Play. Outside. Right. Now. Cause. Momma. Needs. A. Fix.
Category Archives: observations
Mother Effing Pain
Last week I had electrolysis.
Let that sink in.
On my bikini line.
Let that sink in.
The woman doing the procedure described it as “pin pricking.”
I would describe it as “Mother Effing Pain.”
Let me describe the stages of electrolysis on your bikini line.
Stage 1 – I am completely humiliated because while I am laying down on the table my pants are down at my knees and a woman is “checking me out.”
Now, I am no Sasquatch but you know, a girl can get a little self conscious when someone is checking you out down there with a magnifying glass.
Stage 2 – The first needle incision – Sharp but completely bearable.
Stage 3 – About 10 minutes into the procedure your leg starts flailing uncontrollably. You say, “Sorry,” about 20 times although you are secretly hoping you actually kick the technician in the head and knock her out so you can stop this and claim, “I didn’t want to stop but I had to because she couldn’t go on.”
Stage 4 – About 25 minutes in the procedure you think, “I. Can’t. Take. One. More. Minute. Of. This.”
Stage 5 – About 35 minutes into the procedure you think, “I’m fine, I got this.” Then your leg kicks out again and you think maybe not.
Stage 6 – Finally, she’s done. 45 minutes of mother effing pain. You hand her money and you walk out thinking, “I can conquer the world now. I’ll take you down. I am hairless. I am streamlined. Here me roar!”
5th Graders & the Stupid Deli
I tutor math 3 days a week for 3 hours a day in an elementary school.
3rd, 4th, and 5th graders – you really should try it some time.
The other day I was talking to the big wig know-it-alls on my campus, the 5th graders.
Being the oldest on campus, they think they know it all.
We were discussing fractions and decimals and how they are used in the real world – money, cooking, measurement, sharing, medication doses, and building materials, just to name a few.
Those examples didn’t sway them into thinking fractions were relevant so I said, “Let’s pretend you are at Walmart at the deli counter. You ask for a half a pound of ham. The worker slices the ham and puts it on the scale. The scale says .12 – Did you get enough ham?”
“Why you go to the deli for your ham? There’s packs already cut up on the wall. Just grab one of those packs. You don’t have to wait in line for no measuring. Who goes to the deli? Not me.”
Sigh.
“Did you get enough ham?”
“Do you think Beyonce buys her meat at the deli?”
“Yes. Yes I do. If you asked for a half a pound of ham is that equal to .12?”
“Yes…no…yes…no”
I don’t know if they keep me young or make me age faster.
Either way, I feel pretty lucky that I get to hang out with those big wigs.
Spring Clothes…Not So Fast
I just spent the last hour looking online for some new capri pants and shorts.
I think I want to shoot myself.
Or maybe it’s everyone who writes on the clothing reviews that I want to hurt…
“I ordered a size 2 but it was so baggy I just had to send it back”…
or
…“I’m 5’10” 120 lbs and wear a size 4″
or
…”I thought this would be great to wear but it makes me look huge, even the XS was big.”
And don’t even get me started if I read about one more damn pair of skinny jeans.
Ugh.
Think I’m going to start looking at dresses and skirts now.
Just Wrong in Gymboree
Yesterday I was in Gymboree browsing through items near the cash register when I overheard the following conversation between two women.
“Oh, I see you finally got your little boy.”
“Yes, I am so excited to have him. After two girls this was a wonderful surprise.”
“I just had my son three months ago and I was so glad he was a boy.”
“I know what you mean. Girls can be so difficult. I was hoping and hoping this baby would be a boy. I didn’t want another girl. “
This woman’s two girls, about 4 and 7, were standing right next to her listening to this.
I wanted to walk over there, scream at that woman, and take her daughters with me.
Do not do that to them. Be thankful for them and let them hear that.
I’m wishing her a lifetime of “easy” with her little boy.
A Little Warm Around Here
You know you are in trouble when you go to get out the milk from the fridge in the morning and your foot sloshes around a lot of water on the ground.
Yesterday morning our refrigerator & freezer both died.
So out went the eggs, out went the milk, out went the cheese and meats.
Until the repair man can get here on Thursday we are using this…
Yep, our cooler we use for parties is now keeping some of our food cool.
And just for the record, once I saw these pictures the yogurt got tossed as well.
Last week, always looking for a good deal , I picked up 5 packages of butter that were at an unbelievable price. Seems like a really dumb idea now.
Looking on the bright side of this – we got to eat out last night!
Daylight Savings Time – Me No Likey
I dislike daylight savings time.
Truly, truly dislike it.
At about 4:00 pm yesterday things were difficult around here.
There was tons of whining, lots of dragging, and plenty of annoying moments.
And that was just from my husband and me.
And yet there were cries of disbelief when bedtime was announced, “But it’s light out. We never go to bed when it’s light outside!”
So I would like to propose we get rid of Daylight Savings time.
Who wants to have it get darker later? Certainly no parent I know.
At least let’s get rid of the “springing forward” part.
I’m all in favor of just falling back every couple of years.
Or you know what would be better?
Let’s just add an extra day in – let’s do March 9th twice every year!
That way we can sleep in, have a lazy day, and still not miss a day of work.
So who’s with me? Let’s get rid of “springing forward” and just have March 9th twice!
Spring Break Fun!
2:50 pm today officially marks the beginning of spring break for everyone here and we are excited.
Since we are staying home all week, the kids and I brainstormed some activities they want to do:
I’m not sure how much I’ll be posting next week because, well, we’ll be having fun.
Have a Great Weekend!
Middle School Scheduling: A Last Minute Switch
I knew when my husband came home with large protruding crazed eyes, walking ahead of Alex and saying “I’m going to let him tell you,” it was going to be good.
But first, let me back up.
Since Alex is going into middle school next year, it is time to fill out his schedule.
We were all in agreement about what type of math and language arts he would be taking. Science and social studies are standard as well as technology and PE.
That left only only one elective.
He chose art.
Super. No homework. All in class. Free. Simple simple simple.
On the schedule paperwork you must rank your top 3 elective choices.
Alex put art first, band second, orchestra third.
There was no way he was doing theater or choir so we were fine with his choices. Not even a lengthy and impassioned speech from his dad about his joy of being a baritone in sixth grade choir could change his mind.
All set.
Not quite.
Apparently, if you put band down anywhere on your list, you must come in for an instrument test. The kids test out each instrument they are interested in to see if it’s a match for them.
This is where you insert my husband’s eyes practically leaping out from their sockets since he was with Alex.
Alex chose to try the french horn, the trombone, and the trumpet.
An area band director critiqued the student after each instrument try.
When Alex tried the french horn, “Good sound, wonderful pitch!”
When Alex tried the trombone, “Good sound, wonderful pitch!”
When Alex tried the trumpet, “Good sound, oh my, that’s the best sound that has come out of any student today. Wow you are a natural. The sound you produced was absolutely amazing. Wow. You are just a treat to listen to on this instrument.’
Or something like that.
Let me tell you when it is not going to be a treat listening to that instrument.
EVERYDAY AFTER SCHOOL.
Yes, Alex came home glowing, wanting to play the trumpet.
“I want to switch to band. The lady said I had a great sound. She said I was the best all day.”
……deep breaths…….of course she did, that bit*h………release of air……
“Wow, what made you change your mind?”
“You realize there will be lots of practice involved?”
“Might be difficult carrying a trumpet as you ride your bike to school.”
After a few talks and days to think about it we have a new list of electives:
#1 Band
#2 Art
#3 Orchestra
I now realize this “try your instrument” is such a scam.
I’m onto you middle school.
We won’t be making that same mistake with the next kid.
Of course, I felt a little better last night when a mom texted me last night saying: James switched from theater to band! What did Alex decide?
He decided to switch from art to band – playing the trumpet. You cannot make me put on a “band mom” t-shirt. What instrument did James decide on?
The bassoon! No shirt here but we might be forced to put the decal on our car.
I laughed and suddenly felt better.
The bassoon requires private lessons.
Super Hero / Bad Guys Scavenger Hunt
At Caroline’s super hero training birthday party, the kids were required to complete 4 missions.
Each mission had one or two components. For example, there was an “Accuracy Mission,” since all super heroes need to have good accuracy when fighting the bad guys. A bean bag toss and a ping pong bounce game were played in order to test our little super hero trainees. Since they passed that mission, they received super hero cuffs – more on those another day.
The 2nd mission, the “Eye Test,” consisted of two activities – Super Hero Bingo and Bad Guy Scavenger Hunt. Super heroes need to have good eyesight to spot the bad guys so these activities tested that.
The Bad Guy Scavenger Hunt was definitely a 4 year old favorite.
Each trainee was given a marker and a sheet containing 16, “Bad Guys.” I used characters they might know of instead of typical comic book villains.
Click here for the Bad Guys Scavenger Hunt
The trainees were then asked to walk around our first floor to find the bad guys. They particularly enjoyed being able to mark off each character once they found a bad guy.
Before the party I had printed out large versions of the same characters on their scavenger hunt sheet and taped them around the house.
Mother Goethel from Tangled
Can you spot Captain Hook?
Syndrome from the Incredibles
Once the trainees completed their eyesight mission – bingo game and the scavenger hunt – they received a chest letter (piece of felt with a safety pin (with a flat back) glued onto the back.
Man, four year olds are so much fun!
All 11 of the girls loved dressing up and were totally game for each mission.
Scavenger hunt for 4 year olds, mark that one down as a keeper!
