I Can Handle It

Since I haven’t cut or colored my hair in the last 3 months I decided to remedy the situation. I was beginning to look like a homeless hag so no one complained when I made the appointment and took a few hours for myself.

While browsing through the latest issue of Glamour, another client came in pushing a baby stroller. From all the “ooohing and ahhing” in the salon I gathered there was a newborn in that deluxe baby limo.

Alright one baby. I can handle that.

My colorist came in and began talking as if I was paying her by the word. This blonde crazy must have just consumed 64oz of caffeine before seeing me. Despite just meeting her, she instantly starts in with, “We’ve been trying to have a baby. I’m already in my 30’s. My brother has 3 kids. Our in-laws have been asking about grand kids.”

This¬† continues for probably 5 minutes despite the fact I haven’t uttered one word yet besides hello. “I’m sure it’s obvious because I’m so enormous but I’m pregnant!!!” Giggly shrieky laughter continues for about 30 seconds. That is so exciting, congratulations I say.

Alright two babies. I can handle that.

I sit and listen while I hear about the stroller purchase, the crib purchase, the clothing purchases, the room color, coordinating accessories in the room, and the baby’s name.

Another colorist comes in and starts working on the mom of the newborn. They begin catching up and all of a sudden there’s a “No, you are not!” “Yes, I am.” “No, you are not!”

Turns out the colorist is 42 and has a 12 week old. This was apparently a 2nd honeymoon baby which was not planned. After the birth she got her tubes clamped.

Alright three babies. I can handle that. End of story.

Normally, but not in my world.

Turns out the mom of the 12 week old is also 6 weeks pregnant. Yes, the same one whose tubes were clamped.

You know the minuscule percentage that’s always associated with procedures and how they can go wrong? Well, she’s spokesman for that group.

My first thought was, “Wow, that’s amazing.”

My second thought was, “Wow, you actually had sex 6 weeks after your delivery.”

Alright four babies. I can handle it but if you don’t hurry the f*** up with my hair I will freak out on all of you.

Sitting in the chair with a head full of foil, I begin pondering what the odds are of me being in this room at this time. It’s probably the same as getting pregnant while having your tubes clamped. I was half expecting octomom to walk in for highlights at any moment.

My colorist focuses back to me and says, “Do you have kids?” “Yes, 3. She starts asking me tons of questions about being a new mom. I happily answer and give her some helpful hints I have learned along the way.

Not once did I think to mention my recent miscarriage. OK, I did but I knew I would not say anything. There’s no need to rain on her parade. She’s so excited to be pregnant and become a new mom. It would be cruel to share anything with her that would cause her to worry during her last 14 weeks.

Towards the end of our conversation the question I had been anticipating while also dreading came. I calmly and simply answered her.

“So, do you think you will have more kids?”

“Maybe.”

The next time I need a haircut I may just hand Caroline a pair of scissors and say go to it.

After this experience, I know I can handle that.

A New Focus?

Maybe what I need right now is a new focus – something to direct my energy toward until I get the a-okay from the doctor to be out and about again. After browsing tons of TV shows and way too many internet sites, I think I might have found a new focus.

Let me clue you in.

Caroline received a princess sash from her aunt for her birthday. While she doesn’t know quite to do with it, I sure do.

I hope Tom Hanks inspires you as much as he’s inspired me.

Look out world, here comes Caroline Grace, the pageant contestant!

The Grocery Game

Last night I drove to the grocery store to get several important items for our family: milk, ice cream cones, peanut M&M’s, chapstick, allergy medicine, People magazine, and InStyle magazine. (You just wouldn’t believe how Andrew has been hounding me to get the latest InStyle issue.)

I imagined other people playing the grocery game as I passed them. The grocery game for me is making up stories about people based off of what’s in their cart.

When you see a guy with 10 cans of Spaghetti-o’s, a pack of beer, and a bag of donuts in his cart, certain assumptions can be made.

1. He’s not going home to anyone else.

2. He’s about to watch some sort of sporting event on TV.

3. Flannel shirts are probably a regular part of his wardrobe.

I wonder what assumptions flannel man would have made about my cart.

Slowly

I’m slowly making it day by day.

I didn’t cry yesterday and I haven’t cried yet today.

I know it’s okay if I do and okay if I don’t.

There are a couple of things helping me get through this experience besides my husband, my family, and my friends. I could never find the right words to express what they have meant to me so I’ll talk about the other things for now.

Peanut M & M’s – seriously!

I am now on my 3rd bag of peanut M&M’s and I’m fine with it. I sit with a huge glass of milk and my bowl of chocolate goodness. I’m drinking skim milk with the M&M’s so it’s practically a healthy snack – thank goodness since I just happen to partake in this roughly 4 times a day.

The Gilmore Girls

I’m not sure where I was during the 7 years this show was on. I had never seen an episode before a friend gave me all 7 seasons 2 weeks ago. I’m currently midway through season 2 and loving it. I’m not sure if it’s the witty dialogue of the main characters or just a way to escape for 40 minutes that has me hooked.

Driving

I have made small trips out of the house whether it be to the grocery store or to return movies. I’m really not ready to drive anywhere where I might see friends yet. I think I could still break out in tears when they ask, ”How are you doing?” So… I’m avoiding that for now. It’s been good to get out of the house though and my car has helped me make the first initial steps of getting back in touch with the world.

Well, I guess it’s time to to grab some M&M’s and go find out what’s happening in Stars Hollow this week.

No need to get back in touch with the world all in one day.

Protocol?

Today in the mail I received a letter from the hospital.

While I have many ideas on how a situation like mine could be handled better in my doctor’s office, I’ll save that for another time. (I know, I know, another upbeat post from me).

Here’s the letter:

Thank you for choosing The Medical Center of Plano. We hope you were very satisfied and are having a smooth recovery. If there is anything we can help you with during this time, please call us.

In addition to the above statement, there were 3 handwritten messages.¬† I truly appreciate the nurses’ notes which were added by 2 of the 3 nurses who helped me. Apparently protocol states you must have 3 signatures per card since I had an additional note from someone named Darlene. A nurse? A patient? A janitor? Who knows.

I understand the thought behind the card but maybe they should think about investing in a couple of different cards, each with their own message. Can you really walk away from this experience “very satisfied?”

My Giggle Tribesmen

Even though I’m having a tough time right now, I know I am extremely lucky to have the family I do. I cherish everyone of them and the times we have. I’m also extremely fortunate to have kids who make me laugh.

During my day of teetering on Sunday I sat and watched some tv while Caroline was napping. The boys were in their room jumping around and making tons of noise. After about 15 minutes of what I can only assume was them jumping off their beds I decided to go up and tell them to stop.

I opened their door and started laughing immediately. Both boys were wearing shorts but no shirts. They had giant medals around their necks and were holding humongous chess trophies in their arms. I just laughed which caused them to giggle and giggle.

Alex said, “What? We’re Zulus and we’re hunting.”

Of course you are.

I’m so glad for those giggles.

Almost

I almost made it all day Saturday without crying.

Sunday I didn’t even come close. I was crying before 8 am.

Since coming home from the hospital on Wednesday night I had not left the house. I’m trying to follow the doctor’s orders of keeping it easy for 2 weeks and not lifting anything heavy (Caroline).

Well we decided to go out to dinner on the last night my parents were here. Babe’s Chicken House. Seems harmless enough. Except for the 40 minute wait. Tons of people, kids, and babies. I knew it would be tough to go out but I was completely overwhelmed with it all. Many times I almost grabbed the car keys from Derek so I could run back to the car and stay there. I kept tearing up when I would hear someone call a name we had considered or when a pregnant woman would go by. I kept thinking to myself, “Shoes. shoes. shoes. Think about shoes. Do not cry right here in the middle of Babe’s Chicken House for all of Frisco to see.” I managed to succeed and get into the restaurant for dinner. Dinner was great and I didn’t have any problems getting through it.

I think my emotional state had been building all day and it finally burst when I was toweling off from taking a shower that night.

It’s hard enough going through this process without all the “extras.”

Even though I have gone through the same motions for the past 3 days I was completely overwhelmed that night when I had to put an ace bandage around my chest again. I have to wrap my chest, use pads for a few weeks, and have hot flashes. All things you just deal with when having a baby. All good except for that I am missing one part of that equation.

I had a good cry and went to bed.

Sunday morning my parents were leaving. Just a hug from my mom and dad sent me over the edge again. I pretty much teetered between crying and dealing with life the rest of the day.

I know this will take time and it will get better but it sure is difficult right now.

4 days

A lot has happened in the past 4 days for us and a lot has happened because of “4 days.”

4 days ago we found out we wouldn’t be parents again.

4 days ago we were so deeply saddened by that news.

4 days ago we had to tell our children about babies dying before having a chance to meet them.

According to doctors I was 20 weeks and 3 days pregnant. If I was 19 weeks 6 days pregnant I would have had a different experience.

4 days difference = much more difficult process for us

Because of those 4 days, I had to go through labor and deliver a baby only this time he never opened his eyes.

Because of those 4 days, we had to visit a funeral home and make cremation plans for our little one.

Because of those 4 days, we have to pick up his remains in a week.

I keep waiting for this to end but the law has a different idea.

News

Hi Friends and Family-
I wanted to let you all know that today I went for a doctor’s appointment and there was no heartbeat. We are dealing the best we can with this disappointing news. My parents will be here by tomorrow night to help us out and then Derek’s sister will be here after that. Derek and I would like to thank all of you for your thoughts and prayers, meals, kind messages, and offers to help. We have truly appreciated your thoughtfulness during this tough time. We are going to have a little family time for the next few days and then will reach out.
Thank you friends,
Jennifer and Derek