I almost made it all day Saturday without crying.

Sunday I didn’t even come close. I was crying before 8 am.

Since coming home from the hospital on Wednesday night I had not left the house. I’m trying to follow the doctor’s orders of keeping it easy for 2 weeks and not lifting anything heavy (Caroline).

Well we decided to go out to dinner on the last night my parents were here. Babe’s Chicken House. Seems harmless enough. Except for the 40 minute wait. Tons of people, kids, and babies. I knew it would be tough to go out but I was completely overwhelmed with it all. Many times I almost grabbed the car keys from Derek so I could run back to the car and stay there. I kept tearing up when I would hear someone call a name we had considered or when a pregnant woman would go by. I kept thinking to myself, “Shoes. shoes. shoes. Think about shoes. Do not cry right here in the middle of Babe’s Chicken House for all of Frisco to see.” I managed to succeed and get into the restaurant for dinner. Dinner was great and I didn’t have any problems getting through it.

I think my emotional state had been building all day and it finally burst when I was toweling off from taking a shower that night.

It’s hard enough going through this process without all the “extras.”

Even though I have gone through the same motions for the past 3 days I was completely overwhelmed that night when I had to put an ace bandage around my chest again. I have to wrap my chest, use pads for a few weeks, and have hot flashes. All things you just deal with when having a baby. All good except for that I am missing one part of that equation.

I had a good cry and went to bed.

Sunday morning my parents were leaving. Just a hug from my mom and dad sent me over the edge again. I pretty much teetered between crying and dealing with life the rest of the day.

I know this will take time and it will get better but it sure is difficult right now.

5 thoughts on “Almost

  1. I know you are determined to put this behind you but I’m also sure you know that this is going to be a journey. We are here for you all – whatever you need. Most of all…you probably just need time to grieve.

    I hope you find some peace and comfort over the next few months knowing how much you and your family are loved…even that little boy of yours that we never got to meet! Love, Amanda

  2. Oh Jennifer … my heart is breaking for you and your family. I cannot imagine the grief you are experiencing. Words are failing me now but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you, praying for you … I am touched and honored that you would share your grief and your journey with us all on this blog. I will continue to be a witness to your story.

  3. To be less than eloquent, the fact that you have to go through all that crap without getting the baby SUCKS. It absolutely SUCKS and it’s NOT FAIR. Cry as long and as much as you need to.

    Dear God,
    Please hold my unborn child in your ever-loving embrace.
    Please let my child know that my love can’t be erased.
    Please bless me on this earth and help to ease the pain.
    Please plant a seed within my baby’s heart of sunshine, not of rain.
    Please help the days get easier and the nights go quickly by.
    Please hold my hand when I can’t do anything- but cry.
    Please increase my faith so I believe my baby is with You.
    Please forgive me when my sadness makes me come completely unglued.
    Please let my baby know that there’ll always be a place-
    within my heart, just for my baby, full of Divine Grace.
    And, when You call me Home to Your Kingdom up above-
    Please let me hold the baby-
    I never held…
    but, always loved.
    – Ellen DuBois

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