Category Archives: observations

Dear Costco

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Dear Mr. Costco,

My family loves visiting your store and sampling all those goodies your A1 hairnet troops are providing.

In fact, my husband loves it so much he needs a stern talking to before his trips there with our children.

We don’t need a six month supply of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Or the 7,000 Oreos (yes, it’s because I have no will power).

And for the love of God, just walk away from the 285 links of sausage.

The kids love the store too.

I’ve never seen people so excited to have free food – I’m talking hitting all nine food booths in record time while, of course, bypassing booth ten, the new fruit and veggie juice.

Yes, everyone loves your store sir.

But can I tell you want I don’t like about your store? Actually, I’m about to speak for all mothers out there. Yes, all mothers hate this Costco, so listen up!

Nothing gets on my/our nerves more than when I’m trying to leave your store and I must wait an eternity for your employee to draw a smiley face onto the back of my receipt.

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I mean really. Why? Why? Why?

Why must every exiting door employee take the time to do this when it’s probably obvious that we just really need to leave the store.

Is it in the training program?

Lesson 1 – MUST. STOP. EVERY. HAGGARD. LOOKING. MOTHER. AND. DETAIN. HER. FURTHER….

Lesson 2 -IF HER.KIDS. LOOK. LIKE. THEY. ARE. LOSING. THEIR. MIND. ENGAGE THEM IN CONVERSATION.

Is there a bonus involved with the number of smiley faces given out.

Just let me leave!!!!!

And really, it’s just not me. Guess who also doesn’t care about the smiley face and just wants to get home and rip open the bag with 5000 popcorn pieces?

My children.

After Picasso has finished drawing his neon smiley he slows the exiting process down even further by insisting to show one of the kids. When kid #1 has shown no excitement over the preschool drawing they move to kid #2 who’s response is just as lack lustered as the first.

So Mr. Costco, please change your policy. It should read, “As an employee it is your job to help the mothers out of the store as quickly as possible. If you don’t, there will inevitably be a meltdown and it’s anyone’s guess whether it will be the children or the mom who ends up crying. And if it’s the mom, you are on your own.”

Your loyal shopper,Jennifer

P.S. If you could have those toffee covered chocolates out for sampling next week I would really appreciate that.

And then…

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And then there was the time the Dillard’s sales lady laughed at my bra size.

Yes. Yes she did.

Huge boost to the self esteem.

Let me back up.

Since my bra supply was depleted I went in search of a few more.

I was strolling through the intimate apparel section in Dillard’s picking up pieces that I wanted to try on when a little old Asian sales woman came up to me.

“Do you need help?”

“Yes, I was looking for a bra that you can turn into a racerback.”

Blank face.

“I need a bra that can change from regular straps to racerback in the back.”

Blank face.

This time motioning with my hands, “I need a bra that can be both regular straps and have a criss cross in the back.”

“Ahhh, follow me……What size you need?

“22W.”

calvin-klein-perfectly-fit-racerback-bra-f2564-nude_1Since I have not posed for Mr. Hefner or suffer from severe back problems, I obviously don’t have a 22W bra size but let’s just use it so my pride doesn’t any suffer more.

Practically shrieking so the whole department can hear her, “22W! Hahahahahahaha. Those bras don’t come in that size. You have to go up to 22Y. Hahahahahahahahahaha.”

22W she heard. Racerback, not so much.

Ha ha ha said no one but the little old Asian lady who, might I add, is even more streamlined than me.

I ended up not buying anything. You know, bad feelings and all.

Probably going to go out again and test the waters at a different store.

This time I’m going to go in with a sign on my chest, “Back off people, I’ve kept 3 children alive with these breasts. They may be smaller than when those kids got to them but they are still standing up nice. Oh wait, did I step on your huge sagging breast. Pardon me. Did I say that loud? Hahahahahahaha.”

The Weather

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I just love when the weather man says,

“Looks like that cold front is coming in tomorrow night so it is going to be great for outdoor activities. Going to feel much cooler out there. Get out and enjoy the weather.”

Sounds wonderful until you look at the actual forecast…

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While it is way cooler than the 106 of last week, I was still hoping to see an 80 in the forecast.

Oh well, November is quickly approaching.

Your Public Service Announcement…A Mammogram

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Women. Listen up!

I am giving a public service announcement because I care about your health.

Mammograms are okay.

Mammograms are not as bad as everyone says.

Mammograms are important.

A few weeks ago I had my annual mammogram. Actually this was only my second ever mammogram since I am 39.

I arrived at the office at 7:17 AM because my appointment was for 7:15. AM

After handing over my insurance card I was handed 3 sheets to fill out which made me ponder

…Wouldn’t it be great if men had the periods? Then they would have to write down the date of their last menstrual cycle 64 times on the same group of medical forms.

…Wouldn’t it be great if doctors and nurses actually read the paperwork you filled out?

…Wouldn’t it be great if Bradley Cooper was performing the breast exam?

But no, it was Melinda performing my mammogram.

After she verified my name and birth date, she handed me a gown and a packet to wash off my deodorant. Messes with the scans apparently.

Melinda then walked back into the room and instructed me to stand facing the xray machine. Apparently if the machine is not making an indentation on your arm, chin, and stomach, you are not close enough. “Closer please.”

After taking my right breast into her hand, she maneuvered me into position.

“This is going to squeeze,” are the famous words. And really, they are quite accurate. I have always heard how horribly painful a mammogram is but I don’t think that’s quite true.

If you’ve ever breast fed, you’ve got this.

Some one else manhandling your breasts?- Check.

Have someone play tug of war with your nipple? Check. Been there done that.

Once the machine has applied pressure to your breast, you have about 15 seconds of being in this position. Quickly switch and complete the left side. You are halfway done.

The xray machine is then moved so that pictures of different angles can be taken. Another 30 seconds and you are finished.

Really, that’s it.

1 minute of your time.

Two weeks later you will receive a letter in the mail giving you the results of your scan.

Mammogram. Easiest breastfeeding ever.

Mammogram. Important.

Mammogram. Just Do it.

A HOLY Mother F****er Service

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Yesterday while we were at church an older man leaned over and whispered, “Your children are so well behaved.”

I smiled, thanked him, and gave myself a little encouraging mental tap on the shoulder.

Less than a minute later Caroline broke my toe.

I think.

I was standing while singing the hymn when I felt a huge pain surge through my foot.

It is only by the grace of God that I did not scream,” Holy Mother F***er.”

I looked down to see that she had pushed down the little kneeling step onto my big toe.

My open toed sandals did not cushion the blow.

I sternly but quietly said, “Stop that right now. That hurt, ” to which she turned her body away from me and started “singing” the hymn.

I’m pretty sure it went something like this:

What a fool my mother is…She can’t do anything to me in church…Everyone is watching us here so she will not put me in time out or give me a spanking….I love church.

Yes, I’m willing to bet that’s how her song went because 5 minutes later she decided to do it again.

But this time she finished off by standing on the bench as well.

This time I did make a noticeable sound.

While I glanced down at my toe it was red but not bleeding.

I hoisted her onto my hip and would not put her down for the last 10 minutes of the service which I’m pretty sure really lasted for 45 minutes.

After church I spoke to her again about how much that hurt and she seemed to get it.

Either way, I’m wearing tennis shoes to church next week.

6 Kids at the Pool

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So the other day I took 6 kids to the pool by myself.

I know, breath a moment, and take that in.

Now this wasn’t any ordinary pool either.

It was a 50 meter pool, with a separate shallow end, and a separate kids pool.

A bit stressful keeping tabs on everyone as they swam with their buddy.

3 were mine, 3 were friends

11 yr old, 11 yr old, 8 yr old, 7 yr old, 5 yr old, and a 4 yr old.

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Putting sunscreen on 6 children – awful and long

Seeing friends go down the water slide with huge smiles – delightful

Having the lifeguard tell my daughter to stop climbing up the water slide – not surprising

Having my 4 year old go off the diving board – exciting

Treading water while holding the 4 year old and 5 year old in the deep end – hard

Watching boys race each other in the water – amusing

Losing two pair of NEW goggles – frustrating

Everyone getting out of the pool when I asked – miracle

Arrive home & eating a piece of cake before dinner while hiding in pantry – well deserved.

I am old…

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I am old.

At least my two teenage babysitters make me feel old.

Let me explain.

We have two teenage sisters who babysit our kids occasionally.

After a night of babysitting I typically drive them home.

During our short drive home I hear, “Yes, ma’am” about 10 times. It starts to make me feel like I’m a senior citizen. I realize I am not sixteen years old and look one hundred and four to these girls, but seriously, must I be called ma’am?

Isn’t that reserved for women my mother’s age? – Sorry, mom. You are ageless in my eyes:)

The other reason I feel old with them?

When I finish telling a story or a tidbit about my day, they say “That’s so funny.”

Every time. For every story.

And that makes me realize…it’s not funny.

They are just saying that to an old lady who is trying to entertain them during what is probably the longest drive of their life. For me it’s a quick 10 min drive. For them, it’s must feel like we live in different states.

And what’s the worst?

“That’s so funny, ma’am.”

I think I’m going to start looking for a middle age babysitter.

A Well Balanced Meal

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My 8 year old made his own lunch today.

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A banana.

A container of banana cream pie yogurt.

And a piece of banana bread.

A fruit.

A dairy.

A whole grain.

Obviously someone’s been paying attention in health class this year.

Camp is here!

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My 4 year old is flying the coop for a few days this week and she couldn’t be more excited.

School has been out for her for almost 2 months now and she is tired of me.

And well…I hope she has a good time.

When getting ready for her camp, which she is THRILLED about, she asked me a few questions:

“What bag am I going to put my sleeping bag in?

You don’t need a sleeping bag, I’m picking you up after lunch.

Sad face.

“What pajamas am I going to pack?

You don’t need pajamas, I’m picking you up after lunch.

Sad face.

“Do I change clothes there at night?”

You don’t need to change your clothes, I’m picking you up after lunch.

Sad face.

I have a pretty good feeling there will be a lot of crying when I pick her up after lunch today.

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