Category Archives: observations

Almost

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I almost made it all day Saturday without crying.

Sunday I didn’t even come close. I was crying before 8 am.

Since coming home from the hospital on Wednesday night I had not left the house. I’m trying to follow the doctor’s orders of keeping it easy for 2 weeks and not lifting anything heavy (Caroline).

Well we decided to go out to dinner on the last night my parents were here. Babe’s Chicken House. Seems harmless enough. Except for the 40 minute wait. Tons of people, kids, and babies. I knew it would be tough to go out but I was completely overwhelmed with it all. Many times I almost grabbed the car keys from Derek so I could run back to the car and stay there. I kept tearing up when I would hear someone call a name we had considered or when a pregnant woman would go by. I kept thinking to myself, “Shoes. shoes. shoes. Think about shoes. Do not cry right here in the middle of Babe’s Chicken House for all of Frisco to see.” I managed to succeed and get into the restaurant for dinner. Dinner was great and I didn’t have any problems getting through it.

I think my emotional state had been building all day and it finally burst when I was toweling off from taking a shower that night.

It’s hard enough going through this process without all the “extras.”

Even though I have gone through the same motions for the past 3 days I was completely overwhelmed that night when I had to put an ace bandage around my chest again. I have to wrap my chest, use pads for a few weeks, and have hot flashes. All things you just deal with when having a baby. All good except for that I am missing one part of that equation.

I had a good cry and went to bed.

Sunday morning my parents were leaving. Just a hug from my mom and dad sent me over the edge again. I pretty much teetered between crying and dealing with life the rest of the day.

I know this will take time and it will get better but it sure is difficult right now.

4 days

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A lot has happened in the past 4 days for us and a lot has happened because of “4 days.”

4 days ago we found out we wouldn’t be parents again.

4 days ago we were so deeply saddened by that news.

4 days ago we had to tell our children about babies dying before having a chance to meet them.

According to doctors I was 20 weeks and 3 days pregnant. If I was 19 weeks 6 days pregnant I would have had a different experience.

4 days difference = much more difficult process for us

Because of those 4 days, I had to go through labor and deliver a baby only this time he never opened his eyes.

Because of those 4 days, we had to visit a funeral home and make cremation plans for our little one.

Because of those 4 days, we have to pick up his remains in a week.

I keep waiting for this to end but the law has a different idea.

Ain’t No Mountain High Enough

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So yesterday I learned several things:

1) My doctor’s nurse has to work on her small talk. After waiting for 30 minutes in the waiting room she brought us into the sonogram room. She began typing on the computer while I began shaking and breathing hard.

“So how’s the weather outside?”

Derek and I looked at her and thought, “Really, that ‘s the best you can come up with?”

Uh, it’s nice. Cool.

“Oh good. I’ve hated this weather lately. So depressing all this cold weather.”

Hmm…actually we’re under brush fire alerts since it’s so hot and from where we are sitting we have a different definition of depressing.

2) My doctor is a huge music fan. While sitting in the waiting room I heard the secretary bickering about seat availability, row c, and only 12 left. Apparently she was desperately trying to get one of the remaining 12 Diana Ross tickets for her concert in Dallas tonight. When our doctor came in she said she just had to have one of those tickets – it was a once in a lifetime experience and she had to be there. She was quite annoyed since the newspaper listed tickets from $60 – $120 but they were actually $360 for row C.

3) I’m urging my children to go into the medical field. Apparently $360 is really only a drop in the bucket for a once in a lifetime experience. Last year my doctor spent $2500 to see Prince in concert. With the amount of times I’m going to see her she will be able to tour with Prince.

4) There is no real change with the baby. We are still day by day and will be for however long this pregnancy lasts. But…we are still climbing a mountain and going to give it our best fight.

In tribute to my doctor and my theme song for the day let’s hear a little Diana

Worries

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So I’m on Day 4 of bed rest.

In just that short amount of time I’m pretty sure of a few things: I could compete on Iron Chef, I could be a bridal consultant on “Say Yes to the Dress,” and I could be a home designer. I feel in my 100 hours of tv watching I am now an expert in a lot of areas. Really no schooling is involved for a lot of these professions – just take a little bed rest in and you will have a new degree in no time.

I’m trying to relax, think positively, and pass the time as quickly as I know how (mostly in 30 min or 1 hour segments). I have also finished 2 books so my mind doesn’t go to complete mush.

Even with all of that I find thoughts of worry and anxiety creeping up.

I had worried about being pregnant in the middle of the summer. Now I worry I won’t be pregnant tomorrow.

I worried about my kids reaction to having another baby. Now I worry about my kids reaction if this doesn’t turn out as hoped.

I worried about having my youngest two so close. Now I worry about them never meeting.

But for right now, I’m going to try and push through the day and focus on what comforts me -my kids went off to school with smiles on their faces, my husband has been there for me every step of the way, and my friends have sent encouragement and prayers.

We will get through today together, worries and all.

Men, Listen Up

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Men, listen up.

I’m about to tell you the way to a woman’s heart.

It’s not about the flowers.

It’s not about the chocolate (well, sometimes it is).

It’s not about the back rub (hmmm, that’s pretty good too).

It’s through this.

front of microwaveWhat? You say. A microwave. How can that be?

Consider this men –

It’s been months since the microwave has been cleaned.

Your wife placed a bowl of chili in there to heat up but instead it exploded.

She avoids the chili disaster by continuing to cook more food in there – for weeks.

Nothing is ever said about this situation.

It just goes on.

And then one day your wife comes home to this…

inside a clean microwaveCue the angels singing!

Flowers, chocolates, and back rubs have nothing on this.

This men, is the way to a woman’s heart.

Tap, Tap, Tap

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It’s a sad, sad day in our house.

It’s a day that I wasn’t ready for.

Let me back up.

It was nap time for Caroline.

Or so I thought.

After I placed Caroline in her crib she insisted she was not tired.

She disagreed with my plan by pounding on the wall and screaming.

I let her scream for 10 minutes, perfectly secure in my parenting abilities, knowing she needed rest.

And then the crying stopped.

I knew it. She’s exhausted and has finally given into sleep.

For a moment I sat on my bed with a bag of chips continued folding laundry.

But then I heard an unfamiliar “tap, tap, tap” sound coming from the baby monitor.

I walked over to the monitor and pressed the video button.

It took a moment for the image to come up.

While waiting, the “tap, tap, tap” sound continued.

What could that sound be? She had two baby dolls and a blanket with her in bed.

The monitor’s picture finally came up.

Clear as day was her crib.

But…Caroline was not in the crib!

I searched the screen desperately, telling myself the bars of the crib were some how obstructing my view of her body.

No, no, no. This can’t be happening. I need her to take naps still. I need her to be contained in a box with no hope of getting out.

I walked upstairs to her room and tried to peek under her door to no avail.

The carpet was blocking my view.

Surely she must have brought a toy into bed with her which I didn’t notice. Surely she must have the skinniest profile ever and is sitting in that crib tap, tap, tapping away.

I finally gathered enough mental strength and opened her door.

There she sat on the floor trying to put the pieces into a farm puzzle.

“Tap, tap, tap.”

After a moment she noticed me.

An enormous grin spread across her face.

She said, “hello.”

My face didn’t quite say that.

Needless to say we’re off to IKEA tonight to find a little bed for her.

I’m thinking of customizing it with straps for nap time.

What!

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We rarely eat fast food for dinner but I decided the other night was the exception. The boys had 3 activities we needed to be at, all around dinnertime. We drove through McDonald’s on the way to our 2nd and 3rd activities of the night. I decided Caroline and Andrew would eat once we arrived at Alex’s practice but he needed to eat in the car on the way.

Here was my order at the drive through:

I’d like a #13, a 20 piece chicken nugget (yes, all 3 kids polished this off with no leftovers), 3 milks, and 3 small fries.

After receiving the food,  I placed Alex’s food on a tray and handed it back to him.

Andrew immediately wanted to know, “When do Caroline and I get to eat?’

When we get to the lacrosse field I will give you your food.

“What’s my food?”

I got you some chicken nuggets, a small fry, and a milk.

“What!”

What do you mean what. I got you the food you asked for.

“What do you mean I got a small fry?”

I got you a small fry, Alex a small fry, and Caroline a small fry.

“What! That’s all I get for dinner?”

What are you talking about? You have this meal every time we come to McDonald’s. There will be more than enough food for you.

“Why do I only get one small french fry with my meal?”

Ohhhh. No, you get a small bag of fries. With many fries inside the bag.

“Good because I need more than just one fry. I thought you were only giving me one fry. I’m hungrier than that.”

A Message for Al Gore

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Dear Mr. Vice President,

I know the environment is important to you. I know this is your passion and such an important cause. I know you try and educate people on ways to keep our planet healthy. But now, Mr. President, I feel I must educate you.

As a mom, I do care about the environment. I do know we should all be working to improve our water systems, stop deforestation, and address the climate crisis. I do want wants best for my children and their future children.

But not today. Not tomorrow. Probably not next year.

You see, Mr. President. I never get a spare minute to myself in the bathroom. I always have a visitor. I’ve had a visitor for the last 8 years. Mind you the visitors have changed but still I am not alone. I’m sure the secret service accompanies you many places but I’m willing to bet you do get a little privacy in this one area.

In the past, currently, and in the future there is only one thing which will occupy my visitors. The toilet paper roll. My visitors enter the bathroom with great surprise and enthusiasm each time they notice the roll. From there, not even your top military commander could stop the destruction. It is only a matter of nanoseconds before mass amounts of toilet paper are lying upon the floor. For years, rolls upon rolls of paper, have been wasted in this manner.

Yes I do I contemplate all the trees that have gone into the making of this precious resource. Yes I do know all of the energy that is consumed in the process of making this toilet paper. And yet, I simply toss it.

Let’s face it Mr. President, I toss it and move on. I simply must. Somewhere in my house the water is running, the lights are on, and my visitors are using every scrap piece of paper to color on. In time I will jump on your environmental mission -probably around the time I go to the bathroom all by myself.

Regards,

Jennifer