Mother Effer

Last week I joined a gym by our house. The flyer in our mailbox stated, “$12 monthly, no initiation fee!”

I mean twelve bucks. It’s practically free. I’ve got to join.

Well, $124 dollars later I was a member.

The twelve dollar membership had time restrictions which didn’t work for me so I settled on the $19 plan. Add on the $38 initiation fee, childcare fees for three children, first and last month payments, and I was set to go.

Today I decided to try a class.

Let’s just say I should have thrown the flyer away.

5:30 – 6:30 AM Boot Camp

I arrived in the classroom to find a young woman already stretching on a mat. Half jokingly I said, “Is this the back of the class? I need to be able to hide.”

She smiled back and replied, “There’s no back. We move all over the room.”

We continued to talk for two minutes, bonding over being former teachers, until the instructor walked in.

No sooner had our instructor walked in when this woman said, “She wanted to know where the back of the class in because she’s going to need to hide.”


Lady, I’m going to meet you in the parking lot and stab you with a real knife.

5:31 – Class starts with six of us – I realize I am in deep trouble when class begins by warming up with squats
5:35 – I take my first glance at the clock
5:38 – Why am I here? I hate this. 
5:40 – I glance again and  notice sweat has begun dripping down my face.
5:43 – I am now doing the variation moves (code for “Moves for the losers in class”)
5:45 – I hate this lady
5:50 – Stop to grab water
5:57  –  Notice the instructor shows us the moves, does 10 reps, and watches for another 20 reps – Bitch
5:59 – I am slowing down greatly and notice I do about three reps to the instructor’s five.
6:05 – Squat Nazi!
6:06 – Little Spandex Witch!
6:07 – Mother Effer I hate you!
6:11 – Stop to get more water even though others have yet to take a break
6:15 – Please tell me I read the form wrong and this class really ends at 6:20
6:21 – Dam it – more squatsBe-otch with a capital B!
6:23 – Grab the exercise ball and and start ab work. I quickly realize I have no abs.
6:27 – A woman leaves without doing warm down – I’d go with her but can’t get up.
6:28 – Sweat is pouring down my face
6:30 – Our instructor says, “Oh yeah, I probably should have said this before class. Because of all the heat you really should take it easy today.” I just stare at her.
6:31 – I get up off the floor, grab my keys, and say,Thanks so much that was great. I’ll be back next week.”

  And I will be back.

The instructor’s expecting me not to.

Plus, I have to meet someone in the parking lot.

Weekend Bloggy Reading

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