Mother Effer

Last week I joined a gym by our house. The flyer in our mailbox stated, “$12 monthly, no initiation fee!”

I mean twelve bucks. It’s practically free. I’ve got to join.

Well, $124 dollars later I was a member.

The twelve dollar membership had time restrictions which didn’t work for me so I settled on the $19 plan. Add on the $38 initiation fee, childcare fees for three children, first and last month payments, and I was set to go.

Today I decided to try a class.

Let’s just say I should have thrown the flyer away.

5:30 – 6:30 AM Boot Camp

I arrived in the classroom to find a young woman already stretching on a mat. Half jokingly I said, “Is this the back of the class? I need to be able to hide.”

She smiled back and replied, “There’s no back. We move all over the room.”

We continued to talk for two minutes, bonding over being former teachers, until the instructor walked in.

No sooner had our instructor walked in when this woman said, “She wanted to know where the back of the class in because she’s going to need to hide.”


Lady, I’m going to meet you in the parking lot and stab you with a real knife.

5:31 – Class starts with six of us – I realize I am in deep trouble when class begins by warming up with squats
5:35 – I take my first glance at the clock
5:38 – Why am I here? I hate this. 
5:40 – I glance again and  notice sweat has begun dripping down my face.
5:43 – I am now doing the variation moves (code for “Moves for the losers in class”)
5:45 – I hate this lady
5:50 – Stop to grab water
5:57  –  Notice the instructor shows us the moves, does 10 reps, and watches for another 20 reps – Bitch
5:59 – I am slowing down greatly and notice I do about three reps to the instructor’s five.
6:05 – Squat Nazi!
6:06 – Little Spandex Witch!
6:07 – Mother Effer I hate you!
6:11 – Stop to get more water even though others have yet to take a break
6:15 – Please tell me I read the form wrong and this class really ends at 6:20
6:21 – Dam it – more squatsBe-otch with a capital B!
6:23 – Grab the exercise ball and and start ab work. I quickly realize I have no abs.
6:27 – A woman leaves without doing warm down – I’d go with her but can’t get up.
6:28 – Sweat is pouring down my face
6:30 – Our instructor says, “Oh yeah, I probably should have said this before class. Because of all the heat you really should take it easy today.” I just stare at her.
6:31 – I get up off the floor, grab my keys, and say,Thanks so much that was great. I’ll be back next week.”

  And I will be back.

The instructor’s expecting me not to.

Plus, I have to meet someone in the parking lot.

Weekend Bloggy Reading

41 thoughts on “Mother Effer

  1. Haha- but sounds like it’s an awesome workout. Think what it will do for your butt!!! Keep at it. I stop for water breaks all the time in hot yoga- I don’t care, figure it’s better than passing out.

  2. That’s awesome that you made it through. I probably would have needed water after 5 minutes. Good for you for going back, too!

  3. As a former fitness (and boot camp) instructor and personal trainer, I read this post and 1) laughed and 2) felt incredibly guilty about all of the pain I have inflicted over the years.
    And you are right, she is expecting that she kicked your a$$ six ways to sideways and that you WON’T be back. So, of course, you HAVE to go.
    We fitness Bee-yotches love reverse psychology.
    Stopping by from PYHO . . . Enjoyed the post.

  4. You’re amazing! I would have laughed, grabbed my crap and RAN out of there!!!

    Way to go! And thanks for the chuckles. What a b!tch that other chick was. Dayum. Sell a girl out, why don’t you? Hmph!

  5. Very funny- thats why I work out on my own at the gym. Maaybe it’s because i’m an old fart, but when an instructor is an ass, I would just ignore and go at my own pace. If she calls you on it, remember the magic words F*** you, I’m paying for this, not you!
    following because I like this stuff, I read what I follow.
    cranky old man

  6. ha, too funny! and THAT is why i do the jay johnson dcc workout from the privacy of my own home… because i am sadly too embarrassed to show how terrible my fitness moves really are.

  7. Girl, I’d be mad at that lady too! Maybe she thought it was funny? IDK.

    Good for you for taking the class and deciding to return.


  8. Haha, I say, use whatever motivation you can. Plus, what a great story:

    “You look great! What’s your secret?”

    Thanks for linking up at Freestyle Friday!

  9. Pingback: You Like Me Friday Hop | Get In Shape And Save

  10. Hello! Stopping by from the Planet Weidknecht blog hop! This is a great post! I feel like this almost every week in my Les Mills Body Pump class. But, I return every week! The instructors have admitted they get a lot of enjoyment watching our faces as we struggle through the workouts!

  11. Congratulations on making it through the class! It’s daunting enough to know no one and be a first-timer, but to also attempt fitness moves that would make the cast of George Balanchine’s Nutcracker envious — well played!

  12. I love your sense of humour. I am a regular gym goer, and I always feel like a beginner…and I’ll be the one standing right there at the back with you.
    Good luck for next week. Make sure the calories you burn in the parking lot are worth it!

  13. OMG. I hate places like those that BAIT AND SWITCH.

    I just want pictures of the crime scene in the parking lot. 🙂

  14. That is freaking hilarious. PS – Stopping by from the LBS Tea Party! I like you style, I think you have yourself a new follower!

  15. This made me smile so big this morning. I was with you through every rep–I don’t think I have abs anymore either! Thanks for the laugh…great post! Thanks for joining my Weekend Bloggy Reading party (and for linking back–I appreciate that). 🙂

  16. LMAO! First of all, it should be illegal to get up that early-let alone to be exercising. So kudos to you. Loved how you were ready to knife the sellout in the parking lot! 😉

  17. LOL – were you a regular exerciser before? I’ve been taking group fitness classes 4-6x a week for 10 years and there’s no way I’d do a 5:30AM boot camp. You know, most people work their way up to that kind of workout…very impressive!

  18. After a “hum dum” day, this post was exactly what I needed to inject me with some laughter! OMG, funny! I think many of us ladies can relate to this experience and as I read your inner dialogue, I find myself nodding my head enthusiastically to signal, “that’s what I would have thought!” Great post! Dropping by from the LBS!

  19. I hope you do go back! I’ll meet you in the parking lot. I’ll be the one holding the snitch down. Stopping by from Lady Blogger tea party.

  20. Too funny. I never did classes at the gym…couldn’t keep up and so not coordinated. I’d rather do my own thing.

    New follower from the Planet Weidknecht Weekend Hop!

  21. Ohh man you can handle more than I can. I would have probably dropped dead after 10 minutes. You’re going back? You brave soul.

  22. God Jen, you had me laughing out loud, my husband was giving me weird looks! Hope the classes get easier for you, I can’t believe you’d do that at 5:30am!

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